why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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