you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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