Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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