I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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