the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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