So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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