life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
