Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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