the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
