You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
