how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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