I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
