We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
