I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everyone says I win the strip club
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
