So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
