Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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