I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
