just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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