We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
