So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
