Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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