I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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