My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
