She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
