Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
