Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
