God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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