i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize