well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
