The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
