If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
