I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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