So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
