He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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