Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
