please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your penis caused this!
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