The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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