The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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