Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
