call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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