My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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