Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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