I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
