So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
