the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
