good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
