so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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