wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
