mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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