He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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