you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
