I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
