I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
