i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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