Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
